I had a really messed up dream last night that was very revealing and is making me feel very depressed right now because it's definitely true. Don't want to go into it exactly, but it's a problem I've been dealing with for the last 2 years and I can't get it out of my head, so it's manifesting itself in my dreams too.
Too fucked up, just in such a sour/low mood. Obv running bad in poker isn't helping. I just don't have much to look forward too, except Vegas. Basically whether or not I make 10k or 3k in a month is pretty meaningless because I don't really need money, have nothing to save towards, have like no future goals or anything. Playing poker and writing just seems very meaningless right now and I can't be motivated to do much of either.
Guess it's the reality of doing this for a living. I am turning 23 in 2 weeks and I definitely thought bigger things in my life would have happened by now. Poker is a blessing and a curse. I've definitely played it a lot before to try to escape my problems and to keep my mind active and that's obviously not healthy but if I let my mind wander, it just goes back to all the times I've fucked up in the past and how little I've accomplished. I'm lazy and don't have many ambitions at all. I'm totally apathetic.
3 comments:
Hey Vers. I've been reading your blog for a while now and think highly of you. You're 23, I'm 31. You play for a living, I wish I could.
I know you feel like you hit a rough patch, but maybe thinking this way will help... You say you have nothing to save for? What happens in 2 years when "X" happens and you wish you had the money then. Keep your head in the game, and keep saving what you can. Your mental health is important, but think of this down time as "training". You're gaining strength from your lows, and it WILL help you later in life.
There are a few monumental things that most people have as goals. If you think "I don't have anything to save for" then I feel you might be too focused on the present. Here are some things to think about:
1. Trips around the world.
2. Girl of your dreams
3. Kids
4. House
5. Career (outside of poker, your winnings could turn into a business)
It's easy to get caught up in the present, but dude... Looks what lies in store for you in life? You're young, and you're in a unique position that most would love to be in (the grass is always greener). Take this time, while you can, to stock pile all those winnings. Don't stress if some months are less than others. Take the 1yr, 3yr, 5yr approach and look at all the things you've ALREADY accomplished.
Hang in there, and maybe you'd consider adding me to your blog roll. I try to keep things amusing.
Thanks for the advice. I definitely need to keep looking long term, save up and try to deal better with the shorter term swings. Even if there are so many downsides about playing for a living, there is like no job that I can take a day off whenever I want, wake up at noon and go to bed at 3am and be my own boss. Even when I run badly, I make more off of fpps/hr then I would at a regular job most likely.
I'll add your blog when I get some time.
Go to chapters, buy a few DIFFERENT books, and forget about poker for wed thurs. Golf. Run. See a movie. You'll thank me when you want to play again this weekend.
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